Reorientation, Part Two.

The beginning of my blog feels like a necessary step of context building. I think this is for me primarily but I suppose it would help any interested reader. It feels quite deeply personal and vulnerable in a sense but I am also quite aware that I have put myself within an isolated shell in recent times and stepping out might be just what I need.

To continue from my previous post…

Sometime during the first 6 months of our relationship, something really shifted in me. I felt really nervous talking about it because it was an almost complete 180 turn on what I’d previously believed. That change was wanting to have children.

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A sunny walk in April, 2018.

You could call this biology, and I felt that feeling come and go from about age 30 but I always over-rode it as I’d convinced myself in earlier life that I would not ever have kids.

Now, part of this was definitely fear. I feared childbirth itself from a young age, always telling my parents I would live with them forever, not have kids and just look after them. Ironically I moved out of home the first time when I was 17. I was afraid of the pain of childbirth and the medical aspect of it. Some other experiences of family members in hospital situations throughout my life did not really help with that! Though I think that this fear is more common than I thought as a younger person. My sister-in-law who has 2 children has spoken of the fear of the medical side of having kids in a YouTube series about birth stories.

So I do credit this desire to have children to biology to some extent. However, I think that a lot of the reasoning behind my belief that I did not want to experience what is perhaps life’s most beautiful act (the creation of life with someone you love) was the influence of culture on my psyche and some of the dominant themes that I grew up with. I was given the impression that children were not a priority, that your career was absolutely the most important thing to focus on and that happiness was to be found via a constant stream of minor achievement – the next step in that career path, the next person who liked your selfie, the next glass of wine after work or that shiny new purchase.

Concurrent with this idea are the concepts in our culture that proclaim:

  • Family is not important
  • Building comfort and stability is not important
  • Independence is not important
  • A relationship with Nature is not important
  • Taking care of yourself is not important
  • Even that Love is not important…

These are damaging, pervasive and insidious ideas.

Once you slash through the power of the pressure to consume, use up, waste, overlook and take for granted, you are able to see other options and life changes dramatically. My desire to start a family with My Love is one of many changes have flowed on out from taking a really hard look at why my 20s were almost wholly unproductive and what lead to that lack of real focus and drive towards creating a life for myself.

Our culture has Nihilism at its heart and while this is not new information, it is my sincere hope that a decent portion of people my age and younger can see that there is wisdom and contentment to be found by living with greater simplicity and overcoming the belief that life has no meaning.

To be continued…

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Early evening sky near my home. May 2018.

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